Freaking Out and Indulgences

   I didn't really freak out when I lost my job.  I didn't cry or panic in the office.  On the BART ride home, I saw a woman with a bankers box with a plant in it on her lap and a tissue clutched in her hand, and wondered when it would hit me.  I fully expected to become a sobbing, pathetic mess at some point.  Apparently denial lasted a full seven days before my new financial constraints burst through my subconscious.  I had a nightmare about not having enough money.  However, in my strangely neurotic mind, the scary thing about not having enough money wasn't the possibility of starvation or homelessness.  Instead, I dreamed that, while reading my morning email, I opened my favorite band's Listserv to some distressing news.  Not only were The Duhks about to make a last minute appearance in San Francisco, but their (baffling) obscurity had transformed overnight into international prominence, and the tickets now cost something close to a month's rent.  The dream ended with the band, instruments in hand, parading past me as I begged on the street for money for tickets, disappearing behind a soundproof door to play a show I couldn't afford to see.

  I woke up a little amused at myself.  The amusement only lasted until I checked the band's website and found out that, in two weeks, they were actually to play in San Francisco.  I didn't really know what to do.  A careful look at my finances the day I was fired made me realize that I would be okay for a little while, but I knew I still had to cut back on luxuries and indulgences.  Certainly concert tickets are a luxury.  But, but... The Duhks!  I imagined being stuck at home, pacing in my living room, while The Greatest Band Currently Making Music played only a few miles away.  I had started to prepare myself for what could turn out to be an extended time of bare-bones living, but facing the reality of it was another matter.

   The story has a bit of a happy ending.  A very lovely and indulgent boy bought me tickets.  I went to the show and had a blast (Leonard thanked me for coming!).  I have to face, though, that while I remain generally upbeat and optimistic, this thing could get really hard.  I'm not looking forward to the day when I really cannot afford something that, like show tickets, I took for granted when I had a job.  While I am sure that my frugal side will best my music loving side in the end, it will be a bloody fight.  So my new goal is to have a job before The Devil Makes Three is in San Francisco in May.  Fingers crossed.