Idle Hands

When I lost my job, I thought it a foregone conclusion that my life was about to change drastically.  The news stories I read about people losing jobs seemed to fall into one of two categories: solid, stable middle class girl becomes unemployed, can't find work, sells all possessions, is saved from homelessness by the benevolence of friends until the friend also loses job, and ends up working part time cleaning cages in a kennel to pay off her recently incurred debt, which will compound beyond all reason and understanding, leaving her buried, suffocating under her own hopelessness, or solid, office dwelling girl becomes unemployed, and, while on a walk one day, discovers the actual secret to life, the universe and everything, an answer so complete that it makes 42 look like the silly, flippant placeholder that it is, creates a real Road Map to Peace, one that doesn't just lead the world in a big fuck-all circle, revolutionizes human interaction, and changes the course of history.  I wasn't sure which path I was on, but either way, I figured it was going to be interesting, and I was going to document it.

But, so far, unemployment is not interesting.  It's boring and frustrating.  I'm fortunate enough to have a bit of savings to live off of, so the mad spiral into poverty hasn't happened, and I'm too busy trying to find a damn job to change the world.  Mostly, I feel that I'm stuck in a holding pattern, waiting for permission to enter back into my life.  I feel removed from myself, and because of that, it's hard to keep on any particular path.  I'm working on home improvement projects a bit, volunteering occasionally, keeping up with my professional certification courses, but those all end up seeming like day trips to somewhere I used to be.  My real life now is staying up too late, napping during the day, obsessively checking job postings so I can respond the second they are up, re-writing my cover letter so many times I'm sick of hearing how professional and competent I am.  I'm restless and jittery, but weeks of waiting to hear back from recruiters and interviewers has sapped my energy, and I'm losing focus.  

But even through the apprehension and excitement, my days are quiet and dull.  I check email, end out resumes, watch TV, and don't get off of the couch as often as I should.  Without co-workers, I spend much of my time alone.  My friends and family are wonderfully supportive, and I'm trying to enjoy my unexpected time off.  Mostly, though, I'm just ready to be back at work.